Sometimes it is hard to have a five hour time difference with your family.

Sometimes this is because you cannot call them when they are not asleep but also not at work and therefore you cannot find out how your hospitalized grandparent is.

But sometimes it's simply because after you drag yourself out of bed after a night of partying just to skype them at a time which suits them, the first thing they say when they look at your sleepy face is "You look even stupider than usual."

When you start dreaming about buying shorts, even though you are a person who hates shopping, you know you have been away from the tropical home country for too long.
It is snowing here.
As mom would say, "It's a good thing. Your tan will fade." And then I would     grumble,"Nothing wrong with a tan mom, we're Indians." And in my head I would think that we're the color of caramel and more often that not, this would take me on a tangential line of thought. Caramel pudding. Chocolate Mousse. Blueberry Cheeeeeesecaaaake.
My mom does complain that I space out in the middle of too many conversations. 

blue is the color. and the mood?

First ChelseaFC match of the season. Sunday. 6pm in India. At around 5.30 my aunt feels the need to go to the mall one last time before she returns to her small town.
We run to the mall, pick up a t-shirt and run back. Some sort of record timing, even with a break to grab some street food. I can still make second half.
The moment I sit on the sofa my mom comes in with a demand that I go buy dinner.
"I want forty-five minutes. Leave me alone."
For whatever reason my mom and my aunt plonk down beside me.
Sometimes their chatter breaks through my invisible barrier of sound.
"This guy is wearing a monkey cap!"
"Oh, yeah! Why?"
"Just like a Bengali"
"Why? Is he cold?"
"It's not a monkey cap. He had a concussion once."
"Ohh. If he had a heart attack why does he wear a monkey cap?"
"He had a concussion."
"These English medics are so great. That black guy who had a heart attack on the field, he was clinically dead for a few minutes."
For a minute I'm wondering how she confused Cech with a black man. Then the commentary is back on.
"He should wear a helmet. Why aren't his ears covered? Did you know he could die if his ears are hit hard enough?"
"I think he'd die of the heat if he covered his ears. He is playing football."
.
.
.
.
"Where is the Chelsea goalkeeper? How come we haven't seen him yet?"

Toniiiiight, weeee are young

Everyone who knows me knows that before going to watch an A-rated movie I must be reminded to carry ID.
Some people who know me well also know that my mom has hearing aids. But she never wears them.

In a flight from foreign shores to home.
Steward to me-"And what would you like to drink with that?"
Me-"The red wine please"
"But.."
"I'm 22."
"Ohh, you look so young. What's your secret?"
*charming/mysterious smile*  (or maybe the why you delaying my food you strange man)
"I guess it's your mother's genes"
Mom-"I'm her mother!"

The steward looks a little confused and walks away. 

Thanks mom. Let's both jump on the train of youthfulness.

The next day she's recounting the story to my Dad.
"The steward wasn't letting her have any wine and he asked her where her mother was so I told him that I was her mother and he understood that it was ok to serve her alcohol and stopped questioning her."

My sudden burst of laughter was discounted as normal madness.

Truth.

Boredom can do strange things to you.
Four of us hanging out. We've known each other forever. Or since school. Same thing.
There is absolutely nothing to do. No new dramatic gossip. None of us need advice on boys/girls/relationships (except the three of us who needed some but refused to take any). It's too hot to go out. Dark Knight doesn't release till friday.
After reading through the troll football page and textsfromdog we reach the point where we're just logging in and our of facebook in the hopes of either something new happening or someone's new interest coming online. He's not going to ask her for her number. He only really wants to but won't.

Finally we settle on a game of truth and dare. Ahhh, school nostalgia. Spin the pen.
Truth.
I refuse to ask anything. I don't want to find out anything which you don't want to tell me.

What's the dirtiest thing you've ever done?
She answers promptly. "I picked a coin up from inside the commode."
Me and the boys are literally ROFLing.
Not THAT KIND OF DIRTY!!
Ohh... sorry.
But THAT was BETTER!
Was it a public toilet? Why were you THAT broke? Was this before or after you peed?

ROFL.

The pen is spun again.

Truth.
What is the lamest place you have ever peed in?
Define lame.
I don't know... whatever... she defined dirty so you can define lame yourself. You know, desperate moment.
I peed in a bottle once. 

ROFL.

Eventually the game is abandoned for better things like momos.

The Museum of Natural History....

Dinnertable conversation last night.
My brother is telling my father about the mathematical exhibit he saw at the museum. The solid shapes of different geometries were on display. My father listens, then asks what museum we went to.
"Museum of Natural History and Science"
"Oh. Your sister left out the Science part."
Me-"I didn't know the science part."
Bro-"So you looked at the maths exhibit and thought math part of natural history?"
Me-"I kind of zoned out after the dinosaurs."
There is a sudden flurry of rolling eyes.

One of my oldest memories is looking at a giant dinosaur skeleton. I am not very sure if this memory is real. But I definitely went through a dinosaur phase.
The Natural History Museum in Lisbon has a wonderful dinosaur exhibit. Allosaurus skeletons, T-rex skulls. Overall a great evening, till we had to leave because it was closing time.

Grandchildren

Yesterday, at the mall, mom demanded grandchildren. For a second I was sure I was going to fall down and hit my head on the floor, forget the moment and let it go. Then I didn't fall. Maybe I was too concerned about not letting the cheesecakes get ruined.

So I put forth my feeble defence. "Mom, I'm 21".

"I don't care. My friend from school had a grandkid last year, she keeps sending me pictures."

I skim through possible replies/plans of action in my head. Mom, but I'm 21/ It's not a competition/burst into tears/run away as fast as I can, with the cheesecake.

While I'm thinking about which door is closest and planning the best escape route she adds,"The only thing you are interested in is food. I have to bribe you with cheesecake to make you come to the mall. I could take my grandchildren shopping."

At this point I actually felt a pang of pity for the hypothetical grandchildren.

Then astonished at my own brain's uselessness, I come up with the reply "But I just got into university."

"Yeah but I have to have grandchildren so they can inherit my jewellery. You aren't interested in jewellery. I looked for abandoned children in the bushes whenever I went for evening walks but never found any."

(She's been out for two evening walks in the last two years.)

AND THEN. Then the ridiculousness of the whole conversation hit me. I finally come up with the correct reply. "Let's go home. You can ask bro if he is willing to go get you some grandchildren."

Clutching cheesecake, we make our way back in happy silence.

me: I'd catch a grenade for you-oooooooo

serve up my head on a plate for you-OOOOOOO

bro (giving me worried looks out of the corner of his eye): you know those aren't the real words right?

me: dude! these are the words. it's a creepy love song

bro: nooo. the words are 'put my hand on a blade for you'. considerably less creepy/violent. (looks very worried)

Been at home for almost two months now. Gap year is progressing great so far. (I think) Extended-conservative-Indian family is not exactly appreciative/understanding/comprehending-motives (if any). I probably haven't helped because I have spread around ten different versions of my "plan". I just make one up and say it with a lot of unconvincing looking eyebrow wiggling when anyone asks me. So people comparing notes either conclude that I don't have a plan or that they know different peopled called me. Probably the first, you know?

Ah well, short term aim is something I have today atleast- REMEMBER to go to driving class.

The unusual incident of the mom at the midnight

Just when I'm drifting off to sleep after being informed by my brother that many of his friends think that my idea of taking a break from education is weird but he thinks that it is completely normal and I politely told him that if he dances like robo-dork at his fresher's welcome party he will be labelled weird in college mom runs into the room. (insert many commas later)

1. bro started college yesterday and its fun to mess with his head. although the way he dances is really strange.

2. mom doesnt run so much as walk slightly faster

3. i am taking a gap year on grounds of i'm so confused and also i didnt really apply anywhere and my parents didnt notice till all the deadlines were gone.

So mom goes "WAKE UP. I have slashed my finger from end to end and if you dont get up and dress the wound i will have a nervous breakdown."

I get up. It's not a deep cut. Just long. So i put some antiseptic and then two bandaids.

"Go to sleep. It's almost midnight."

My mom looks at me. Her face has that dissatisfied look.

"What?"

"It doesn't look dramatic enough."

WHAT?

"It looks so tiny. Put a bandage not a bandaid."

"GO TO SLEEEEP. I'll put a bandage and make a bow tomorrow."

Big smile. Satisfied at the thought of her bow she goes to bed.

Birthdays are supposed to be fun.

Turning 21 seems like a stressful coming of age ritual though.

Firstly, my family gave me a watch. This is the traditional coming of age gift that my family gives. When I graduated high school they gave me one. This time, they gave me another one. They also gave me one when I started my period but maybe that was just because the internet providers had coincidentally sent us a free watch in the mail that day.

I also inherited two watches from my grandmother when she died and in case anyone has noticed that that adds up to five watches which is three more than the number of wrists I have......well, I have already broken all five of them. Yes, the strap on the new one came off around thirty seconds after the wrapping paper.

I wear a cheap watch held together by rubber bands. And my glasses are held together by superglue.

I don't think I am ready to come of age.

Secondly, my mother asked me if I'm dating anyone. When I said no she asked me if I'm gay. When I said no she calmly said I wouldn't know. She asked me if I liked anyone and thanks to force of habit I said ......well I said no. Dammit. Me and my brother figured out years ago that saying no to this question was the best thing to do. If you say yes she follows you around the house and asks you a hundred questions about the looks/intelligence/career prospects of the 'liked one'.

Seems like she's spent these years developing a new set of questions to ask if you say no. ARE YOU GAY? SERIOUSLY? That's what she came up with? Owch.

Then against all rules of Indian parenting she tells me there is no way in hell she's finding me a groom.

I black out for a second and then realize MARRIAGE is what she is thinking about.

"I don't even like the clothes you pick for me, how on earth would you find a boy for me? "

"True. That's a relief.........I'll support you if you're gay but I want grandchildren." (yes mom. let's stick to that. i'm gay. katy perry background music.)

Holy craaaap. I'm old.

-In the dream I didn't understand what you said so you called me stupid.

-It wasn't a dream.

-No, what about the kite flying?

-I called you stupid. That seems real enough.

-Hey I didn't understand what you said because you were making up words.

-I know plenty of words which are real but you wouldn't understand.

-NO. My vocabulary is awesome.

-I don't make up words.

-It was MY dream. You made up words.

-It was still me in the dream and I don't make up words.

-And you called me stupid in it! My dream. Don't ever appear in my dreams again.

-Hey! It was YOUR dream

-It was still YOU

opposable thumbs and such biological marvels

In the complicated world of gadgets humans are developing new skills. Yes they are. I can talk and text simultaneously. I swear I can............ if you count saying yes at intervals as conversation.

A few years ago I often found myself to be one party of a 'conference' call. While Shaggy and me talked nineteen to the dozen, our third friend usually never said anything. In fact sometimes, fifteen minutes into the conversation, shaggy would inform me that he was also on the line because I would assumed it was just a normal phone call. He never knew when to start talking he said.

My family has almost perfected the art of having a three way conversation on the phone. They call me. Then they go on talking. Every time I open my mouth to say hi or some such attention-seeking thing they say shutup.

For example-

Me: Hi

Bro: Wait

Ma: Where does this wire go?

Bro: This slot in the camera has a picture of the wire Ma. Obviously...

Me: Hi

Bro: Yeah

Ma: Where does the other end go?

Bro: BOTH ENDS DONT GO IN THE CAMERA IDIOT. ONE HAS TO PLUG INTO THE COMPUTER

Ma: Oh

Me: Uhh

Ma: Where does the other end go?

Bro: Same slot where the pendrive goes.

Me: uhh

Bro: YOU. talk to her.

Me: Why?

Bro: Then I dont have to talk to her.

Ma: Hi baby

Me: Hi

Ma: I plugged it in, nothing happened.

Me: Did you turn it on?

Ma: Oh. Ok. Bye.

click.

I will have children with two thumbs on each hand. They will text. Never call.

xkcd conversations. real life

Three years of nerd class. Some amazingly strange conversation has happened. It's like xkcd in real life

"They have three cars."

"How many of them are there?"

"Two."

"Oh....so they have one and a half cars each?" (Unitary method)

"My hunger is so erratic. And it diverges to infinity." or "My stomach is like a black hole."

(limits. astronomy)

"She hates me. But sometimes she also likes me. But then she has reasons for both."

"Uhhuh."

"It's like an equilibrium"

"I feel like a solar eclipse" (I don't even remember the context or meaning of this profound sentence)

"I have a quantum mech exam"

"But can't we party before?

"No. No. There is some uncertainty you see." (Heisenberg!)

And the last one which sums it all up...

"I'm out of touch with conversation. Like a rusty motor."

There are bad bad days. Followed by uhhh days with potential to be good. Ruined by random things like half your hair falling out while applying hairfallcontrol oil.

But yeah. I met two crazy people today. Freshers. Then I told my roommate. And the following conversation ensued in the context of having a party

"Do the new freshers you met drink?"

"I don't know. That's not what I ask people the first time I talk to them. That would be so weird"

"Oh really. What did you talk about today?" (it's like she knows. spooky)

looooooong silence from me.

"We spoke about shit"

victorious chuckle.

!

Life is too weird.


I happen to be one party in a bet that involves either the winner or the loser eating two beefsteaks. Nobody knows if the winner or the loser eats the two beefsteaks. Because one beefsteak is easy and two are difficult to finish.
Attempts at fixing a bet commissioner have not been successful simply because we know all our mutual friends can be bought too easily.
I don't even know if i want to win or lose this bet now.


Then my guitar got stuck inside it's case. I mean, does that really happen to real people? You struggle with the zip for thirty whole minutes of your life and the guitar is still stuck inside. No help from giggling/chuckling/laughing hysterically boy at other end of phone line while you struggle to open the zip. (Chivalry is dead) And this leads to me screaming that the zip isn't as small as zips on pants and therefore harder to struggle with so he should shut up. Which in turn leads to argument about whether it is possible to get stuck inside pants with zips. He insists I must have been, otherwise I wouldn't have brought it up. I insist that I wear pants with strings not zips. Lies, all. But I have been stuck inside pants with strings, they knot and knots are not easy to undo. Man, depressing. Guitar still stuck inside case. ARGHHH


Then I have taken to carrying my ChelseaFC bag around. This leads to tiffs with strangers.
"Excuse Me"
"Yes"
"Are you a Chelsea fan?"
"Yeah. I'm not just randomly carrying this bag..." (NO I'm a dumb girl carrying my brother's bag and I dont know what chelseafc means)
"I hate chelsea"
"So you're ManU?"
"Yeah"
"WE'RE PLAYING BETTER. ADMIT IT. ADMIT IT."
slightly embarrassed pause...
"Yes. You are" ..... (you are what? playing better/ insane because you shout at strangers who support ManU)

Encounter with a friendly eunuch

3.6.2010
Nayantara Sarma, a.k.a NT, declares in Oly Pub-"Gender is a social construct. You should be able to switch between genders at will" NT's short hair allows her to look like a boy when she wants to. It's liberating she says. I know what she means. I look like a boy when i wear boy clothes. Its a really useful thing in the streets of Delhi.
4.6.2010
On my way back from college street. Deliriously happy because i found a Steinbeck that i have always wanted to own but isnt all that easily available. Standing in a bus. A eunuch sitting on the seat in front of me, eating a mango. The other side of the story, the person who is stuck between the genders and is therefore by default a social outcaste. All done eating it she asks the lady sitting beside her for water. The lady shudders and refuses. She looks up at me. At this point i feel 'if she isnt making a nuisance by touching everybody and asking for money i have no reason to be rude'. Unsocial-antisocial i may be bit i enjoy conversations with strangers on buses or trains. I cheerfully pull out a litre of water from my schoolbag and give it to her. She washes her hands, takes a drink and tells me she's been thirsty from morning. I nod. She thanks me. I nod more cheerfully and tell her its fine. I'm starting to enjoy the situation. I can feel people in the bus getting disapproving or uncomfortable or something. She hands the water back and blesses me loudly. Pulls out a packet of supari from her bra. Feeling friendly, she offers me the supari. I refuse but i felt quite sad then that i dont eat supari. She gets up, we exchange polite conversation like whether the next stop is sealdah and she gets off. I bundle into the seat beside Nik and we come home.

The census people came.
First question from my parents. "If our daughter lives in a hostel, does she count? Or do you count her separately?"
"No, no. This is her permanent residence so we do count her."
Ma of course has a follow-up question two. "What if instead of in hostel our daughter was in jail? Would this still be her permanent address? Or do you guys go to the jails and count separately?"
Man gave the blank look and got out of my house as fast as he could.

Water water everywhere.......

It was a typical summer afternoon- nobody studying even though we all regularly expressed intentions of getting up and getting to it. Nobody eating coz it was too hot. Nobody even moving much. The water coolers were giving us the steady trickle of water they always do. The long impatient swearword and punch punctuated wait to fill a litre of water.
And then today the trickle turned to a drop. And then the drop... it just went and vanished. And this is in the heat in the middle of our exams.
So then we call the warden. She isnt around today. We call the principal. She doesn't pick up. We call our darling Prof Nandini Datta who immediately jumps into action and starts finding out what is being done about the problem. While we wonder who's turn it is to go to the ATM to withdraw money... to buy water. Eventually the crazyness sets in.

"You know that part of the wall which is opposite the principal's house?"
" yes..."
" We should go stand there and throw all our empty water bottles at her."
" And shout slogans?"
" Haha.. we're gonna be too parched to do that."

We call a man to order water. He refuses to deliver for only one order. Not enough profit involved. What will he gain out of it, he asks us. Not one to back down Don answers immediately. "Our blessings, bhaiyya."

Me and Gandhari are the only two whose exams are going on. We probably felt the pressure more... and burst into song.
"all you need is love.
ALL you need is love
all you NEED is LOOve
EVERYBODY
ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE!"
Don throws us out of her room. She thinks she also needs water. Love isn't quite that essential.

Dev tags 200 photos on facebook. I tell my mom that she may as well send me money to buy mineral water but that stuff tastes like crap and i'd rather have tap water. Then declare that i will blow every last paisa on beer. Dev pours half a bottle of talcum powder down my back and turns me into a ghost reeking of flowers.


Eventually a tanker of funny tasting water does arrive. Not that that made us study all that much but it did make us stop singing for the while

B-english

The two spectacular examples of bad english I have come across recently.

Teacher: "All of my ex-students have passed away."

Student: "No ma'am. It's 'passed out'."

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/pass (click the link if u didn't get the two awful misuses in that one)

And

Me:"I need my suitcase back by tomorrow."

Shop Lady:"Ma'am I will try to deliver you."

Presumably meaning 'deliver it to you' and not show me a route to heaven or be the nurse at my birth.

It is very very hot and humid in Kolkata right now.

Overheard conversation on road. Gentleman to other gentleman-

"It's so hot! I drank five litres of water......I peed only around 250grams"

heeheehee