the next edition of our family trips kicks off tomorrow morning. the previous editions have included mom getting stung by jellyfish, mom getting pickpocketed, mom unable to breathe through a snorkel and more such family bonding moments.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Weaver in Wonderland

Being an intern for a science magazine is great. I get to read and write about stuff I love.

Then there's the socializing part. Which, for me, is non-existent. In lunch hour I slip out to this dirty little dhaba, sit in a corner and read the newspapers while eating something which I know is tastier than the food in the office canteen. I like being left to myself.

Yesterday though, there was a tea party. It was somebody's wedding anniversary and she was treating everyone in the office to a high tea. She invited me too and after pretending to be deaf and invisible I gave in to her repeated requests to join everyone and turned up in the lounge to be a part of the party.

The food was nice.

And then things started to go wrong in the way things can go wrong only when you are the only 21 year old at a party populated by people above 40.

The first topic of discussion that came up was who retires when. Given that I have atleast a couple of years to go before I even get a job, I started getting a little depressed.

Then they move on to talking about diets. Everyone has blood pressure and sugar. Nobody eats anything except at tea parties like this because the hostess insists. (lol-ing all around) The boss says she's going to starve herself all week and then go get her blood sugar tested. (more lol-ing)

The two ladies beside me are wondering in whispers... 'what is her name?' 'the intern, she's so quiet'. I start feeling vaguely like Alice at the Mad hatter's tea party. Too small. Maybe they can't see me, I hope.

At this point I forget that I can be seen and stop focusing on keeping my face blank. A distinctly upset look starts to spread across my face and someone comments on it. 'Hey! The kid doesnt need to diet. So I think she's bored.'

I'm trying very hard to smile and be all 'noo noooo, hey this is interesting.'

Then a man turns up, he has a meeting with the boss. He's small and has white whiskers. The party is over. I thank the white rabbit man in my head and go back to my cubicle.

why the science reporter intern felt slightly sick today

she found THIS link

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2011/10/pictures/111027-spooky-new-species-halloween-animals/

1st day of internship

Last Night.

3 am- I wake up because I'm thirsty. While I'm lying there waiting to see if I can persuade my body that I'm not thirsty my 13 year old cousin brother wakes up. Immensely happy to see that I'm awake he starts telling me how he slept till noon and therefore had no need for any more sleep. Feeling slightly more awake than I would have liked to I got up, drank some water and went back to sleep.

4 am- I wake up again to see my brother fiddling with the laptop. Criminally awake for that hour, he tells me he'd forgotten to switch it off before we went to bed and was just doing so. I curtly ask him to go back to sleep. He asks me, in turn, when I will wake up. After 6, I say. But when? Before 6.30.

5 am- Another irritating mosquito wakes me up. He's sitting there. Nirvana-like calm. He asks me if I want to take a bath in the morning and obligingly switches on the geyser. He tells me its morning and to prove his point dramatically pulls open the curtains to be met with gloomy darkness. I fall asleep wondering what my editor will think if I fall asleep at my desk on the first day of my internship.

6 am- He wakes me up. I am fighting with the urge to hit my brother and he asks me if I want to go to the park.

7.10 am- My uncle is roaring at us to wake up. I jump out of bed to see my brother, fast asleep, refusing to wake up even when I shook him.

7.45 am- We make a run for school and office, breakfast clutched in hand, hair uncombed, baths skipped.

Shampoo

Went through old posts to see if I ever posted this before. Don't seem to have.

Second year of college, during our college fest. The college sports ground is transformed into a carnival of sorts. Live bands, food stalls. And one stall from the famous barbershop X. (this isn't even some protection of privacy, I have forgotten the name. But they're the one who give you 400 rupee haircuts)

So X has a promotional offer. Haircuts for a hundred bucks. Quick calculation in head: getting hair cut in front of half the campus vs spending four times the money on a haircut plus rickshaw fare. For any hostel resident the answer is obvious.

So I plonk down in the chair and untie my braided hair. "I live in the hostel. I plan to not shampoo all winter, cut off ALL MY HAIR please. Thanks." The man gulps. The fest was in december I think, which left a good two months of winter to go.

Now when I said the answer was obvious to any hostel resident, what I meant was to ALL hostel residents. So within an hour of me getting that haircut, Dev showed up. She has waist length hair.... which she is too lazy too comb. So the man had a terrible time even getting to the haircut part. "I live in the hostel...shortage of water.... mysterious disappearance of combs from my room."

Then Ishrat turns up. She too has waistlength hair. Curly too. He asks her what shampoo she uses. She looks at him. "See I live in a hostel. So I just ask my friends for shampoo and use whatever they lend me."

Then the Don turns up. "I bought a giant bottle of shampoo for just eighty rupees. Such a bargain!!"

From the next year the barbershop was conspicuous in its absence. And sorely missed by a group of six people who still shared that bargain shampoo.

The new google blogger interface seems confusing. But maybe it's just that I haven't blogged in a while and thus have managed to fall hopelessly behind the times.

Blogger in the age of accelerated technology. (superhero pose)

My mom took me shopping yesterday. Correction: My mom went shopping yesterday while I went on coolie duty. Now the the thing is, my mom is deaf. And i'm not even being mean. She wont wear her hearing aids. Not my fault. So we're in a store and the man at the counter is making the bill. And he goes "Ma'am what name should I make the bill out to?" and she's just standing there with a smiley face. So I poked her. And she jumped up and starting shouting. "Block X X house number 0 0 0". Our Address. Which is obviously the first thing that comes to your mind when you're a deaf person who's been poked. YOUR ADDRESS.

(more added later)

Then the other day, my Dad's student came over. Dad wasn't home so Mom asks him to sit down and then asks him,"So what did you do today?"

"Embroidery."

"Oh, what an interesting hobby."

He gives her the confused look and conversation subsides.

On later investigation it turns out that what he had said was "Laundry".

me: I'd catch a grenade for you-oooooooo

serve up my head on a plate for you-OOOOOOO

bro (giving me worried looks out of the corner of his eye): you know those aren't the real words right?

me: dude! these are the words. it's a creepy love song

bro: nooo. the words are 'put my hand on a blade for you'. considerably less creepy/violent. (looks very worried)

Been at home for almost two months now. Gap year is progressing great so far. (I think) Extended-conservative-Indian family is not exactly appreciative/understanding/comprehending-motives (if any). I probably haven't helped because I have spread around ten different versions of my "plan". I just make one up and say it with a lot of unconvincing looking eyebrow wiggling when anyone asks me. So people comparing notes either conclude that I don't have a plan or that they know different peopled called me. Probably the first, you know?

Ah well, short term aim is something I have today atleast- REMEMBER to go to driving class.

'received and accepted'

The three most beautiful words in the english language.

Don't even try to convince me otherwise.

You article has been received and accepted. :D

see? happy feeling induced automatically

The unusual incident of the mom at the midnight

Just when I'm drifting off to sleep after being informed by my brother that many of his friends think that my idea of taking a break from education is weird but he thinks that it is completely normal and I politely told him that if he dances like robo-dork at his fresher's welcome party he will be labelled weird in college mom runs into the room. (insert many commas later)

1. bro started college yesterday and its fun to mess with his head. although the way he dances is really strange.

2. mom doesnt run so much as walk slightly faster

3. i am taking a gap year on grounds of i'm so confused and also i didnt really apply anywhere and my parents didnt notice till all the deadlines were gone.

So mom goes "WAKE UP. I have slashed my finger from end to end and if you dont get up and dress the wound i will have a nervous breakdown."

I get up. It's not a deep cut. Just long. So i put some antiseptic and then two bandaids.

"Go to sleep. It's almost midnight."

My mom looks at me. Her face has that dissatisfied look.

"What?"

"It doesn't look dramatic enough."

WHAT?

"It looks so tiny. Put a bandage not a bandaid."

"GO TO SLEEEEP. I'll put a bandage and make a bow tomorrow."

Big smile. Satisfied at the thought of her bow she goes to bed.

Birthdays are supposed to be fun.

Turning 21 seems like a stressful coming of age ritual though.

Firstly, my family gave me a watch. This is the traditional coming of age gift that my family gives. When I graduated high school they gave me one. This time, they gave me another one. They also gave me one when I started my period but maybe that was just because the internet providers had coincidentally sent us a free watch in the mail that day.

I also inherited two watches from my grandmother when she died and in case anyone has noticed that that adds up to five watches which is three more than the number of wrists I have......well, I have already broken all five of them. Yes, the strap on the new one came off around thirty seconds after the wrapping paper.

I wear a cheap watch held together by rubber bands. And my glasses are held together by superglue.

I don't think I am ready to come of age.

Secondly, my mother asked me if I'm dating anyone. When I said no she asked me if I'm gay. When I said no she calmly said I wouldn't know. She asked me if I liked anyone and thanks to force of habit I said ......well I said no. Dammit. Me and my brother figured out years ago that saying no to this question was the best thing to do. If you say yes she follows you around the house and asks you a hundred questions about the looks/intelligence/career prospects of the 'liked one'.

Seems like she's spent these years developing a new set of questions to ask if you say no. ARE YOU GAY? SERIOUSLY? That's what she came up with? Owch.

Then against all rules of Indian parenting she tells me there is no way in hell she's finding me a groom.

I black out for a second and then realize MARRIAGE is what she is thinking about.

"I don't even like the clothes you pick for me, how on earth would you find a boy for me? "

"True. That's a relief.........I'll support you if you're gay but I want grandchildren." (yes mom. let's stick to that. i'm gay. katy perry background music.)

Holy craaaap. I'm old.

-In the dream I didn't understand what you said so you called me stupid.

-It wasn't a dream.

-No, what about the kite flying?

-I called you stupid. That seems real enough.

-Hey I didn't understand what you said because you were making up words.

-I know plenty of words which are real but you wouldn't understand.

-NO. My vocabulary is awesome.

-I don't make up words.

-It was MY dream. You made up words.

-It was still me in the dream and I don't make up words.

-And you called me stupid in it! My dream. Don't ever appear in my dreams again.

-Hey! It was YOUR dream

-It was still YOU

No I'm not colorblind. Just messing around with the template designer.

opposable thumbs and such biological marvels

In the complicated world of gadgets humans are developing new skills. Yes they are. I can talk and text simultaneously. I swear I can............ if you count saying yes at intervals as conversation.

A few years ago I often found myself to be one party of a 'conference' call. While Shaggy and me talked nineteen to the dozen, our third friend usually never said anything. In fact sometimes, fifteen minutes into the conversation, shaggy would inform me that he was also on the line because I would assumed it was just a normal phone call. He never knew when to start talking he said.

My family has almost perfected the art of having a three way conversation on the phone. They call me. Then they go on talking. Every time I open my mouth to say hi or some such attention-seeking thing they say shutup.

For example-

Me: Hi

Bro: Wait

Ma: Where does this wire go?

Bro: This slot in the camera has a picture of the wire Ma. Obviously...

Me: Hi

Bro: Yeah

Ma: Where does the other end go?

Bro: BOTH ENDS DONT GO IN THE CAMERA IDIOT. ONE HAS TO PLUG INTO THE COMPUTER

Ma: Oh

Me: Uhh

Ma: Where does the other end go?

Bro: Same slot where the pendrive goes.

Me: uhh

Bro: YOU. talk to her.

Me: Why?

Bro: Then I dont have to talk to her.

Ma: Hi baby

Me: Hi

Ma: I plugged it in, nothing happened.

Me: Did you turn it on?

Ma: Oh. Ok. Bye.

click.

I will have children with two thumbs on each hand. They will text. Never call.

A month after I left home my parents bought a large screen tv.

This year I saw the Indian cricket team bring home the World Cup sitting in the room amidst more than a hundred shrieking ladies who scream for amir khan. rahul gandhi, advertisements and dot balls among other things.

Last year I saw three quarters of a crappy movie waiting for a senior to finally go to bed at 2 am so that I could watch the last few minutes of a champions league quarter final.

I was thrown out of the common room on porn night for laughing too loudly because the porn was soft. Really really soft. (how is this porn? u cant even see **** hahaha............. please leave)

I was asked how many overs of a tennis match were left.

ENOUGH i say. I'm going home now. Somebody warn the neighbours.

xkcd conversations. real life

Three years of nerd class. Some amazingly strange conversation has happened. It's like xkcd in real life

"They have three cars."

"How many of them are there?"

"Two."

"Oh....so they have one and a half cars each?" (Unitary method)

"My hunger is so erratic. And it diverges to infinity." or "My stomach is like a black hole."

(limits. astronomy)

"She hates me. But sometimes she also likes me. But then she has reasons for both."

"Uhhuh."

"It's like an equilibrium"

"I feel like a solar eclipse" (I don't even remember the context or meaning of this profound sentence)

"I have a quantum mech exam"

"But can't we party before?

"No. No. There is some uncertainty you see." (Heisenberg!)

And the last one which sums it all up...

"I'm out of touch with conversation. Like a rusty motor."

Revelations that happened this week-

A speech in 3rd person about the creeps stalking you on facebook can take on magnificently different proportions when delivered from a first person viewpoint.

An awesome project which lets you work in a separate lab also entails that you spend half an hour with a tiny duster cleaning all the tables in the lab by yourself.

The NEW height of boredom-

"Oye, what's up?"

"Nothing man"

"What are you doing?"

"I'm sitting and watching the downloads happen."

Superhero vs Genius

A train of thought was put into motion by my roommate's boyfriend yesterday.

So he's a superhero. I'm a genius. (No, I mean it.)

He insists she's his sidekick. I insist that can't be. I get dibs. I'm a genius. Plus I knew her first but that's less important.

I mean where would superheroes be without the geniuses? Who would design the spider suit? (Okay, spiderman's a genius and a superhero rolled into one. Which btw, is WHY he is awesome.) But who would make the cutting edge car and the almost-mind-reading-capable computer?

Hah. Don't make fun of us because we wear glasses and don't have the biceps. One day we will take over the universe. With math.