The unusual incident of the mom at the midnight

Just when I'm drifting off to sleep after being informed by my brother that many of his friends think that my idea of taking a break from education is weird but he thinks that it is completely normal and I politely told him that if he dances like robo-dork at his fresher's welcome party he will be labelled weird in college mom runs into the room. (insert many commas later)

1. bro started college yesterday and its fun to mess with his head. although the way he dances is really strange.

2. mom doesnt run so much as walk slightly faster

3. i am taking a gap year on grounds of i'm so confused and also i didnt really apply anywhere and my parents didnt notice till all the deadlines were gone.

So mom goes "WAKE UP. I have slashed my finger from end to end and if you dont get up and dress the wound i will have a nervous breakdown."

I get up. It's not a deep cut. Just long. So i put some antiseptic and then two bandaids.

"Go to sleep. It's almost midnight."

My mom looks at me. Her face has that dissatisfied look.

"What?"

"It doesn't look dramatic enough."

WHAT?

"It looks so tiny. Put a bandage not a bandaid."

"GO TO SLEEEEP. I'll put a bandage and make a bow tomorrow."

Big smile. Satisfied at the thought of her bow she goes to bed.

Birthdays are supposed to be fun.

Turning 21 seems like a stressful coming of age ritual though.

Firstly, my family gave me a watch. This is the traditional coming of age gift that my family gives. When I graduated high school they gave me one. This time, they gave me another one. They also gave me one when I started my period but maybe that was just because the internet providers had coincidentally sent us a free watch in the mail that day.

I also inherited two watches from my grandmother when she died and in case anyone has noticed that that adds up to five watches which is three more than the number of wrists I have......well, I have already broken all five of them. Yes, the strap on the new one came off around thirty seconds after the wrapping paper.

I wear a cheap watch held together by rubber bands. And my glasses are held together by superglue.

I don't think I am ready to come of age.

Secondly, my mother asked me if I'm dating anyone. When I said no she asked me if I'm gay. When I said no she calmly said I wouldn't know. She asked me if I liked anyone and thanks to force of habit I said ......well I said no. Dammit. Me and my brother figured out years ago that saying no to this question was the best thing to do. If you say yes she follows you around the house and asks you a hundred questions about the looks/intelligence/career prospects of the 'liked one'.

Seems like she's spent these years developing a new set of questions to ask if you say no. ARE YOU GAY? SERIOUSLY? That's what she came up with? Owch.

Then against all rules of Indian parenting she tells me there is no way in hell she's finding me a groom.

I black out for a second and then realize MARRIAGE is what she is thinking about.

"I don't even like the clothes you pick for me, how on earth would you find a boy for me? "

"True. That's a relief.........I'll support you if you're gay but I want grandchildren." (yes mom. let's stick to that. i'm gay. katy perry background music.)

Holy craaaap. I'm old.

-In the dream I didn't understand what you said so you called me stupid.

-It wasn't a dream.

-No, what about the kite flying?

-I called you stupid. That seems real enough.

-Hey I didn't understand what you said because you were making up words.

-I know plenty of words which are real but you wouldn't understand.

-NO. My vocabulary is awesome.

-I don't make up words.

-It was MY dream. You made up words.

-It was still me in the dream and I don't make up words.

-And you called me stupid in it! My dream. Don't ever appear in my dreams again.

-Hey! It was YOUR dream

-It was still YOU

No I'm not colorblind. Just messing around with the template designer.

opposable thumbs and such biological marvels

In the complicated world of gadgets humans are developing new skills. Yes they are. I can talk and text simultaneously. I swear I can............ if you count saying yes at intervals as conversation.

A few years ago I often found myself to be one party of a 'conference' call. While Shaggy and me talked nineteen to the dozen, our third friend usually never said anything. In fact sometimes, fifteen minutes into the conversation, shaggy would inform me that he was also on the line because I would assumed it was just a normal phone call. He never knew when to start talking he said.

My family has almost perfected the art of having a three way conversation on the phone. They call me. Then they go on talking. Every time I open my mouth to say hi or some such attention-seeking thing they say shutup.

For example-

Me: Hi

Bro: Wait

Ma: Where does this wire go?

Bro: This slot in the camera has a picture of the wire Ma. Obviously...

Me: Hi

Bro: Yeah

Ma: Where does the other end go?

Bro: BOTH ENDS DONT GO IN THE CAMERA IDIOT. ONE HAS TO PLUG INTO THE COMPUTER

Ma: Oh

Me: Uhh

Ma: Where does the other end go?

Bro: Same slot where the pendrive goes.

Me: uhh

Bro: YOU. talk to her.

Me: Why?

Bro: Then I dont have to talk to her.

Ma: Hi baby

Me: Hi

Ma: I plugged it in, nothing happened.

Me: Did you turn it on?

Ma: Oh. Ok. Bye.

click.

I will have children with two thumbs on each hand. They will text. Never call.

A month after I left home my parents bought a large screen tv.

This year I saw the Indian cricket team bring home the World Cup sitting in the room amidst more than a hundred shrieking ladies who scream for amir khan. rahul gandhi, advertisements and dot balls among other things.

Last year I saw three quarters of a crappy movie waiting for a senior to finally go to bed at 2 am so that I could watch the last few minutes of a champions league quarter final.

I was thrown out of the common room on porn night for laughing too loudly because the porn was soft. Really really soft. (how is this porn? u cant even see **** hahaha............. please leave)

I was asked how many overs of a tennis match were left.

ENOUGH i say. I'm going home now. Somebody warn the neighbours.